Advice columnist

I've decided I should be an advice columnist. I think the job probably calls for someone who has lived long and well, has a sense of humor and is at least moderately observant. And inquisitive. Someone who likes people. Someone who isn’t judgmental or overly prudish. That’s me! (Well, I suppose that is open for debate, but believe me, my advice would be too.)

I could write a manual on marriage, surely! With 2 failed, and one successful, marriages under my belt I am eminently qualified. (You one-marriage types can scoff – but I’ve made ALL the mistakes, AND learned from them – which hopefully is more than you can say!) I’d advise people to marry people who love them. To realize that they have to keep endearing themselves to their significant other even long after they are “sure” of the relationship. I’d help people understand that they can’t hold someone else – even their spouse – responsible for their own happiness; and that if they want to stay in love they need to keep practicing the things that they did when they were first falling in love. I’d encourage hand-holding and eye-gazing and a lot of laughing. I’d recommend that they find a way to make oddities endearing instead of annoying. I’d encourage partnerships and shared responsibilities and “we’re in this together as a team” attitudes. Partners should be each other’s cheerleaders, not critics. And they should be generous in giving what they know their partner wants and needs.

Health and fitness! Another brilliant area for me to give advice in!! I may be overweight with high cholesterol but I have, in my lifetime, lost literally hundreds of pounds and walked or hiked thousands of miles. I’d advise people to forget about trying to lose weight and instead adopt a new passion for something that would compensate for whatever is causing the extra pounds. Instead of a ‘negative’ goal – have a positive one! Get out and walk in the evenings in order to enjoy the neighborhood, have uninterrupted time to think or to talk with your spouse (see above marriage advice) and enjoy the fresh air. You will probably also lose weight but if the weight loss is just a happy accident and your goal is really to have a good time, you are much more likely to keep with it. Or do something with your hands – I took up quilting at one point – that would mean that you couldn’t be snacking at the same time. Indulge in fresh, elaborate salads that have so much good stuff that you don’t even need the dressing. Go for the ‘up’ side, never the downside.

Hmmmmm.

Careers!!! I’m good at this. I’ve always given advice about careers but I don’t think anyone has ever taken it. I have professional training and everything. I’ve taught the subject, for goodness sake. Made up the worksheets. Designed the process. Oh well. People don’t really want advice about this. Nevertheless, I have two important pieces of advice that I’d be compelled to share. 1. In spite of what everyone says when you are young, in the absence of a substantial trust fund you really have to find a career you can make enough money in to meet your basic needs. 2. It really should be in an area where you actually have some talent, skill, training and interest. This last part means knowing who you are first and foremost, and then really understanding the requirements of the job (training requirements included!)

I’ve probably already disqualified myself from the whole ‘cooking advice’ arena – having previously confessed to a lifelong difficulty with chicken roasting… although I have managed to perfect the art of chicken tacos, and I make a mean blueberry pie. My best advice here would be to keep cat hair out of things and to wear your reading glasses when trying to discern whether they are calling for a teaspoon or a tablespoon of salt. (Whew! That was a mistake!) Oh – and garlic cloves are the small sections, not the whole ball of stuff. If you have bought fresh garlic at the store you are in possession of many cloves of garlic, not just one. Wait, THIS really is my best advice about cooking: stick to recipes that you’ve actually tasted, from when you went to someone’s house for dinner, not to recipes that you see in a magazine or cookbook. Tried and true – that’s the ticket. I don’t usually follow that advice actually, but some of my favorite things (chicken chalupas, ‘orange stuff,’ Jean-Brown-chocolate-cake and minestrone soup) are recipes from friends.

Beauty secrets? Fashion? From someone who can’t even see well enough close up to manage her own eyebrows? (It’s a good thing that they, like the hair on my head, are getting thinner as I get older!) Maybe not. I am of an age where I can’t tell what is in and what is out. I’ve worn my hair the same way for many years, not because it is a stylish ‘do’ but because it is the only way my hair can go. I have no idea if I stand out in a crowd as an object of ridicule and amazement by the younger folks, or just blend in to the wallpaper (my goal, actually.) So no, I have no qualifications for fashion or beauty advice beyond the typical advice to mothers-in-law, which is to wear beige and keep smiling.

OK, there may be some weak areas, but I think this thing has potential, on the whole. I’m going to hang up my shingle.