More Advice - Raising Children

On the subject of raising children:

Generally I don't advise it at all. In fact, if you have any doubts, you really, really shouldn't. From my observations of other people's children I know that they eat up resources at a phenomenal rate, screw up a lot of otherwise good marriages, and are messy and inconvenient. They break things, spill things, offend things; they are demanding, time consuming, frustrating and expensive. They are NOT short adults. You often can't reason with them. You often can’t take them anywhere. They don't listen to you, but at some point in their lives they do listen to their peers. They ultimately dress funny, listen to awful music, try things they shouldn't, don't bother with things they should, and just when they are finally getting to be fun again, go off to college without you.

They are wonderful.

(Obviously, with the exception of that last part about college, my own child turned out not to have any of those faults. Imagine that.)

But here is what should be the most obvious thing – and somehow isn’t: If you are going to have children, don't expect them to raise themselves. Once you have them, you have a responsibility like no other - it is full time, all the time. My biggest peeve about people raising children badly is that they don't really bother to raise them at all. Children will 'work it out by themselves' if you let them, but they will do so as savages and you may not like the result. (But then you probably aren't paying attention to the result anyway, if that was your position in the first place.)

So – I’ve been thinking about my “Top 10” best pieces of advice for parenting. (Sorry - this is a long one!)

* * Teach, teach, teach.
If you are counting on the schools to do this, you haven't been paying attention. Give your children a basic confidence with numbers, showing how to manipulate them without being scary or pretending that each concept is ‘new’ and ‘different.’ Math should be simple. Expect them to feel that way about it. And don’t stop with math: expand their vocabulary, wow them with science, woo them with history, excite them with reading, impress them with nature. Teach them how to think, how to reason, how to solve problems, how to research. Help them formulate questions and find answers.

* * Practice, practice, practice.
Skills – particularly social skills – aren't going to develop by magic. If you don't show them how to use a napkin, identify themselves on the phone, talk without mumbling, share, take turns, shake hands firmly, look people in the eye, wash their hands, keep their fingers out of their noses, and be nice, they certainly aren't going to pick it up from their friends. And without those skills, they are going to be miserable, self-doubting, picked on by their peers, and always wondering why life isn’t going well.

* * Intervene.
If your child is struggling, show her how to solve a problem, how to fix something, how to make it right, how to get along, how to stand up for herself, how to apologize. Children will eventually learn how to do this for themselves, but many's a non-functioning adult who learned the wrong way. If left to their own devices, their solutions to problems tend to look more like "I'll ignore this" or "I'll just punch this kid in the nose" when they’re young, and when older, worse, to stop eating, get something pierced, or sniff/inhale/shoot up something you don't even want to know about. Effective problem solving has to do with evaluating things, considering alternatives, looking at consequences... not your typical 'first reaction' sort of stuff. Give your child the skills to do this - work with them.

* * Model the right stuff.
We aren't, any of us, very naturally inclined to hard work, persistence, productive habits, courtesy, or eating the right vegetables. And yes, unfortunately, children learn by observing. Finishing things, following up, pitching in, keeping promises, meeting responsibilities, achieving to high standards, spending wisely, indulging moderately… are all easier to do if you’ve always seen that that’s how life works; that’s what people do. Modeling the right stuff also goes for dealing with fear. If a very young child is frightened of something – thunder, maybe - she will look to you right away for your reaction. If you laugh instead, or talk about how amazing a big storm can be, you might just sidetrack a lifetime phobia. Think about it! Don’t scream at spiders. (Metaphorically.)

* * Enjoy life.
Happy adults most easily get that way by being happy children - otherwise there is a whole lot of work to do! Why wouldn't you give them the easy way to this result? Play. Laugh. Tell jokes. Share funny stories. Get over stuff. Celebrate successes.

* * Ensure their place.
Be glad they are there - and let them know it. Cuddle and kiss. Hug and smile. No one should grow up feeling unloved or unwanted. And kids can come to awful conclusions – that you don't want them or love them – even when you think it should be obvious that you do. Make sure your interactions with them have at least as many positives as negatives. Your role isn't just to discipline. Their role isn't just to let you alone.

* * Give them time to Be.
Imagination takes time to develop. So does creativity. And serenity. If your kids are tightly scheduled into lessons and sports and play dates and early bedtimes they can’t really become what they would become. If they have a bazillion toys or are always sent off to play video games or watch DVD’s so they stay out of your hair, this also means that they are NOT thinking, creating, learning, or developing. And, really, unless you work 80 hours a week, don't expect them to. If they are in school, that IS their job. They are there for 6-7 hours a day; they have homework for another 3 hours... they should have to hold down weekend or evening jobs to pay for their car insurance besides? Do all the household chores besides? Give them a break.

* * Don't confuse them.
There can't be one set of rules for children at one age, and another set when they get a little older, and still another for them as young adults. The same standards that will apply to them as adults are the standards they should be learning to live up to as children. At what age is it really acceptable to scream for what you want? Never. Let a child get away with something unacceptable once and he will try it again. Let him get away with it another time, and he will know that it is a winning behavior. Letting it slide because it is inconvenient to deal with it at the time is simply foolish. And later on, disciplining with external, imposed consequences (“you’re grounded!”) rather than internal moralizing (“I’m disappointed with you and know you can do better – and this is why.”) just encourages inappropriate decision-making. As a former school counselor I can assure you – teenagers often decide to go ahead and do something anyway after carefully weighing the negative consequences and thinking “it’s totally worth it!”

* * Guide them in the world.
Career choices are something children should grow up considering. There are two questions they need to be able to answer when making career decisions – who am I, and what is out there for me to do? And a few weeks before high school graduation is a lousy – and expensive – first time to try to answer those questions. As a parent, you can acknowledge and encourage the particular skills, talents, and preferences of your young child and talk about how these might lead to further interests. You can help older children with projects and volunteering and entrepreneurship; encourage summer jobs and internships for high schoolers; set up informational interviews, introduce them to colleagues in fields they might be interested in investigating, and take them to your local employment services office to attend a job search seminar. Career exploration is a process – a long one. Of all things to leave to chance – this is one of the worst.

* * Be purposeful; be genuine; be the parent
To some extent a child is going to be what he was born to be. All the parenting, all the teaching, all the guiding in the world can’t guarantee a particular result. While we can’t dictate a personality, we can stick to our guns about our expectations for behavior. Be confident that your expectations will be met. Be clear about what they are, and sincere about how important they are to you, but say so if you were wrong about them. Live them yourself. Be willing to be firm in the face of consequences – both theirs and yours. Know that your first role is as a parent.

Whew! And there is so much more.