Movie Come-ons

When I was a kid, we used to be able to successfully pick movies we'd like to see based on subject type. For example, if they were Musicals or Adventures (my dad was a sucker for all things Tarzan, my first boyfriend wanted to see all the James Bond movies) we'd probably like them, but if they were Horror films we probably wouldn't. (Although some of those Tarzan flicks were certainly 'Horrible.') Or we could even be pretty sure that we'd like them based on who was in them - Doris Day, good, Bette Davis, bad; Julie Andrews, good. (Until she made that awful "Americanization of Emily" movie which my parents took us all to see as kids and were mortified that it was so inappropriate for little girls. It even had James Garner in it - should have been just the thing for the family huh? That was sort of the beginning of the end of Movie Confidence.)

These days, critical praise of a movie is almost always a hint to me that I won't like it. I hardly even know any of the current 'stars' so that doesn't provide much attraction either. (Doesn't it seem like EVERYONE today is related to someone from "yesterday" in Hollywood? They deny accusations of rampant nepotism and cronyism and claim, instead, that their tremendous and undeniable talent is inherited. But if you go along with that don't you also have to believe in such things as racial profiling? And I'm sure they don't.)

Anyway, to choose a movie now, I pretty much have to go by the description alone.

And therein lies madness.

We have digital cable and have access to a multitude of movies at any given time. Each listing on the 'Guide' is accompanied by a brief plot description that was obviously written by someone who is unhappy with his job, has a Sense of Humor, or is clueless (or, of course, all three.) Some of this - call it either 'bad writing' or 'perverse humor.' your choice - can be forgiven. For when a Director names his movie "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" he probably deserves to have it described as "Four teens keep in touch by passing along a pair of jeans." Now you may be familiar with this book-turned-movie, and aware of its popularity, but if this was all you had to go on, would you be watching this? I think not.

So today I've taken note of some special gems in the listings. Please don't try to match the description to a movie you may have seen, but just look at the description and make a judgment about whether or not the movie appeals:

"A blind swordsman battles a deadly clan."
"An embattled bureau chief contends with blame."
"An African elder seeks his French military pension" (I don't think these last two are related but they certainly could be.)
"A boy tries to thwart terrorist hijackers"
"Brothers inherit a mansion occupied by a rodent."
"Promoter hires sportswriter to hype boxer for mob."
"Killer cyborg visits 1984 Los Angeles to alter history" (OK - you know that is The Terminator with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but is this the way to hype a big action thriller? Alter history?)
"A Texas Ranger protects cheerleaders who witnessed a murder." (This looks, on first read, to be a porn movie, but it has - of course - Tommy Lee Jones in it, so maybe not.)
"White ad exec, black car-jacker team up for crime." (I can see this as a viable plot...)
"Advice-to-lovelorn writer loves only single girl in town."
"A judge orders a playboy to date her sister as therapy." (Would you believe, a Cary Grant, Shirley Temple thing?)
"Sisters bond when their father becomes ill."
"A hockey star becomes involved with an impoverished mother."
"Milwaukee baker goes to 1920's Hollywood to be the next Valentino." (a baker from Milwaukee?)
"South American family faces turbulent years." (Yawn)

But finally there is one that looks like it would be great:

"A 1930s gumshoe sticks nose into LA land/water mess."