The Christmas essentials

I was ‘shopping’ today on the internet. Recreationally. And I was amazed at the possibilities that some ‘gift’ sites have to offer.

I found a toaster that also poaches your egg and warms up your sausage patty. A bug vacuum; a pirate costume; a Deluxe Toy ATM Machine that I can’t imagine anyone actually getting for their child. A mini-cheesecake pan with removable bottoms – sort of like a muffin pan / springform pan combined. A remote control Mexican Redknee Tarantula. (There's something everyone should have.) A rubber piano – take it anywhere to play your favorite music. A marshmallow shooter? 25 mini-marshmallows in a clip! (Marketing comment for this amazing product: “If only Dick Cheney had one of these.”)

The electronic money jar keeps a count of how much you have in your jar and is, amazingly, out of stock! Sorry!

A football-shaped TV remote control is advertised as just the thing to ‘get ready for football season.’ It is NFL-licensed, foam-padded and has real laces. Oh my. And right along with the football theme, there is also a football slow-cooker. Don’t know if it has ‘real laces’ though.

You can get “Night Vision Goggles with Dart Launcher” – which suggests that you “surprise your friends!” I bet your friends would be surprised.

Then there is the Scrolling Buckle Leather Belt (Was $50.00; Now $19.99!) It features “Custom messages displayed with style. Rhinestone buckle is self-programmable with easy input, 9 adjustable scrolling speeds and brightness and 3 function buttons (start/stop, up, down). Store up to 6 messages, up to 896 characters. 96 characters to choose from. Red LED light display.” The pictured product, of course, said ‘Hot” on it. Why would you want to send flashing red messages from your belt as you walked down the street?

Surprisingly, Microdermabrasion showed up in the ‘most requested’ list of Christmas gift searches on one gift site.

I never ran across such interesting stuff at the mall.